Memories are elusive. We have no control over which yesterdays to keep and which ones to erase. There are certainly moments we want to hold on to, and some we’d rather forget—that mean comment from a co-worker, that moment of excruciating embarrassment, or worse, that betrayal by a friend. Unfortunately, it is often those memories causing us anguish and pain that we retain and replay in our minds over and over, and in so doing, make it ever more difficult to let them go.
In the last years of his life, the German philosopher Immanuel Kant dismissed Martin Lampe, his faithful servant of 40 years. However, keeping Lampe out of sight proved far easier than keeping him out of mind. The ageing philosopher was so frustrated that he wrote himself a note: “Remember, from now on the name of Lampe must be completely forgotten.” Kant would have known this was a futile exercise had he heard of the famous “don’t think of a white bear” psychological experiment. The harder you try not to think of something, the more likely it is to come up in your mind. The reminder about forgetting Lampe paradoxically attests to our impotence of controlling our memory.
While there are numerous techniques for remembering, there is no comparable strategy for forgetting. Are we doomed to be haunted by unwanted memories? Ajahn Brahm, a Buddhist monk and author of many popular books, provides a simple way to delete bad memories. In his book Good? Bad? Who knows?, Ajahn Brahm advises:
Write out all the bad memories on a piece of paper as before. They need to be brought to the surface before they can be deleted. Only this time use a special type of paper, the most appropriate material for shitty memories. Write them out on a roll of toilet paper. When you have finished with the writing, take it to your bathroom, place the paper with the stinky writing in the toilet bowl where it belongs, and then…flush.
This sounds easy and achievable, although sometimes the most painful memories refuse to be obliterated. Amy Tan, the author of The Joy Luck Club and other best-sellers, knows this well. Tan’s novels, which often feature mother-daughter relationships, are a reflection of her personal experiences. Tan writes about her mother in her memoir, The Opposite of Fate:
She criticised me, humiliated me in front of others, forbade me to do this or that without even listening to one good reason why it should be the other way. I swore to myself I would never forget these injustices. I would store them, harden my heart, make myself as impenetrable as she was.
When Tan was 16, she said the most hateful words to her mother, “I hate you. I wish I were dead…” Thirty-one years later, Tan received a call from her mother who had descended into Alzheimer’s. “Amy-ah,” she said quickly in Chinese, “I feel like I can’t remember many things. I can’t remember what I did yesterday. I can’t remember what happened a long time ago, what I did to you…I know I did something to hurt you...I did terrible things. But now I can’t remember what…And I just want to tell you…I hope you can forget, just as I’ve forgotten.”
Her mother died six months later. The reconciliation with her mother ultimately sets Tan free. She writes, “Together we knew in our hearts what we should remember, what we can forget.”
Thanks to her mother’s healing words in the last days of her life, Tan can forget about her wounds and move on. Forgetting, however, is difficult for those who receive no explanation or apologies for past injustices. Here is where the old adage “forgive and forget” comes into play. To forget, one must first forgive. And forgiveness begins with remembering. Recall the situation and look at it from a more objective perspective. Remember what you have learned from the experience. Recall a time when you were forgiven for something you did wrong. Remember how you felt then and consider offering the same gift to others. If you can remember all of these, then those agonising memories may lose some of their sting and finally fade away.
Research has revealed that the act of forgiveness not only enables us to forget details of an offence, but also has a huge benefit to our health. Dr VanderWeele, a Harvard professor of epidemiology, says, “Our research indicates that forgiving an offender over time leads to lower levels of depression and anxiety and higher levels of hope, happiness, life satisfaction, and self-esteem.” If the urge to retaliate persists, you might want to heed the advice of Oscar Wilde: “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”
Mastering the art of forgetting does not mean you go on with your life without ever thinking again about what has happened. It just means that when we see or hear things that remind us of unpleasant experiences, they do not bother us any more. By choosing to forgive and forget, you stand the chance of restoring your own peace of mind, and that allows you to put your past behind you and move on.
